Monday, August 20, 2007

It's Shocking! Just Shocking!

Researches from Europe revealed recently that carnivorous sponges have been found in the deep, dark seas near Antarctica, and now there is talk about turning them into a profitable resource. Big surprise there.

Called 'Carnisponges', their use in the modern kitchen will be highly advantageous to the 'homemaker', retailer, and manufacturer. They actually eat dirt, thus cleaning hands and dishes in one fell swoop. We've been telling people to eat dirt---among other things---for years, but this is the first time it will be said in the market place. No retail price or further information is available for these new sponges. The concept is still quite new, and the accountants are still busy pencil pushing because these sponges can only be harvested by the nearby Emperor Penguins, and these critters aren't too anxious to have their snouts or fins finished off by a hungry sponge during a hunt.

And...

The Sydney Morning Herald reports: "HUMANS are just one of the millions of species on Earth, but we use up almost a quarter of the sun's energy captured by plants - the most of any species...An agriculture professor at the University of Melbourne, Snow Barlow, said the paper showed humans were taking up too much of an important natural resource [the Sun.] 'Here we are, just one species on the earth, and we're grabbing a quarter of the renewable resources … we're probably being a bit greedy.' [Should more sun be scheduled for the worms and moles?]

San Franciscans were astounded by these facts, and they have taken it upon themselves to try to alter this disgusting exhibition of human cupidity. They do this knowing that all fads and trends begin in California. And, since there are approximately 15,745,329.2 million species estimated to be on the Earth---80 percent or so unknown [does that include bacteria?]---San Franciscans believe we humans should be stepping aside so these other species can enjoy more sun and less grief.

Accordingly, several ordinances have been passed by the City government: all residents and visitors must remain in the shade at least two-thirds of each day; sunbathing is restricted to one hour per day; people with a sunburn are subject to arrest, large fines and confinement; the words sun, sunny, sunshine, bosun, sunburn, sunbitch, sunbelt, sundry, sungod or -goddess, and the like are considered epithets in San Francisco, and persons heard using them are subject to arrest, large fines and confinement. At the local watering holes, the 'Tequila Sunrise' has been renamed 'Juiced Juice.'

1 comment:

Andrew Heaton said...

sunbitch... The word is "sumbitch"!